Free Love.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
environmental chemist

almost is my new favorite word. 

presents:

2x bruises
a fat lip
superficial cutting
blunt force crying.

but who gives a fuck because ive made it and even when i fake the good, its so good.

hello i'm 22, i havent killed myself yet (surprise) semi-accomplished brilliance.

i just want to say its been one hell of a mother fucking year and this is one of those years that i'm going to look back on and say that I've Really Learned.

like i might be too old to get crunk, but i think a margarita, sunday afternoon sounds awfully lovely.

please dont tell me its going to rain on my birthday. it would be so apro-po.

tomorrow i'm doing everything i want to do, and i dont care who is along for the ride. i think the only other person next to myself i wouldnt mind taking... well i cant think of a single person.*

and i love you despite It All.  and i dont understand why and its probably not good for me, but this good isnt faked and i Just Love You.

isnt that gross?

youre gross

yeah thats really mature.

1 thing that hasnt changed, the marijuana and its epic nature. 

i want to show up to my birthday with presents for everyone that has made this day. i'm really looking forward to seeing my mom, dad, and shelly.  i want to buy a scrabble board for shelly and something nice for my mom. and dad is getting belated expensive presents- so whatev.  this year was dedicated to them. 

marijuana and i recently decided that cutting yourself is so pointless because pappapapapayayaa and blueberry surpasses feeling bad because someone made you sad and your drive your boyfriend to insanity.

well, he could very well be insane on his own, but i guess id beat any bitch down if she talked to me the way i did to him.

i cant wait till my father and jeremy met each other and they can sit there and have the conversation of how to properly cut off your balls.  i think why i'm partly okay with this is because i'm retarded and my parents used to brawl. but now they love each other unconditionally.

or its the money that makes them excited.

i cant decide. my father listens to my mother though, jeremy couldnt hear me if we were the only two in a room and i was screaming.

god i love screaming. and punching
and kicking
and hurting

and it makes me really upset that you got the last word last night.

so fuck that- and fuck you thurr.

i might have a really big glass of wine tonight. aaah at delfinos.

yes bitch, by myself.

and i'm going to smoke some weed and watch a goddamn panda being a ninja even if i have to do it myself. 

i cant wait for birthdays this year. 

i have a brilliant plan ;) (if we last that long). i want to do something fun for my birthday. something that involves a bar, lots of liquor, and a new dress.  i want a cake too.

i really think if you had left me alone for a little bit, let me smoke my weed, and just be okay without you trying to smother me, we wouldnt have to come to that.  you just need to know when to leave me alone.  we could have gone to delfino's last night and had some wine. i could not be feeling like this right now, but the only words out of my mouth last night were Leave.Me.Alone and you didnt get it. so just know when to step away from me because i am volatile and we are highy reactive.

volatile is my favorite chemistry word ever. 

i fucking hate this lighter. if i had a camera i would show that i have to rework how i smoke weed entirely.  good thing i'm not a retard. i'm vulgar

i cant wait for a new computer, being 22, committing (sort-of, almost, i love you),  having 2 fucking degrees lol, making lots of money, getting jeremy to dress like a grown up, and then having a baby and just loving.

the word of the year is volatile.

(dearest daddy, lets make some magic.) 

and now i understand why jeremy likes this song so much.

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

Wha' 'bout that sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead!

(wanna make out?)

today was boring in its own trippy-dippy sunny bright and all sorts of happy and waysssss.

its starting to feel a lot like summer, and these are the two months seattleites live for and its just so good.

i'm so excited for summer

i hate lying, and i especially hate being lied to. i think you would despise me if i ever did it to you. and now im starting to feel uncomfortable. im starting to feel more and more lied to.

im starting to feel like i should start lying to you so you know how it feels.

im starting to feel as if i should make you as miserable as you make me feel.

what kind of relationship is built on lies, im not on any pedestal, im not being saved from anything, im just being lied to.

and im going to start lying to you. i'm going to start telling you the bare minimum of things.

and nothing is going to be honest
and we will fight

because this is what you want

because you want to lie to me.

so i can finally be alone, find some piece of mind.

i'm carving out piece of mind.

i need razor blades.

i need to get away

i need to be lied to.

i will speak and you will just listen.

i dont miss a lot of things, not even myself.

things to do:

--grocery store
--yoga
--school stuff

i cant find it in myself to put life on hold and go to rehab.

speaking volumes.

i dont miss anyone, not even myself.

bye. i miss sug.

last night we got stoned, watched a kung fu movie, and i finally saw dave matthews. 

i was standing at concessions, being offered a kids combo and there he was, with mister man, and i could have sworn i heard sattelite in the background.

happy cinco de mayo because we're getting drunk.

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red toes for the occasion.